One of the things "They", forget to tell you or talk about when you work alone and from home...is how lonely and isolating it can be, even if you are doing what you love and couldn't think about doing anything else. The freedom of being able to walk right into my studio any time, day or night is glorious and amazing. It's also very quiet at times and extremely, well...solitary.
There are times when I relish the quiet moments, escaping from the noise and clutter of the world as I paint away and make peace with my mind and allow my heart to open up so I can create without boundaries.
And then there are times when the quiet is deafening. I wonder in my head what am I missing, not really wanting to find out truthfully because I've come to feel safe in my studio and getting out would require me to become unsafe and to be seen once again.
As I finished this set of paintings I started as demos for my last class....one of the few times I really have been around a group of people in quite some time...I reflected back on the slight anxiety I had about leaving my studio for something other than a quick jaunt to the store or out to dinner with friends. It is becoming quite clear to me just how isolated my world has become the more and more I grow as an artist and as my business grows.
At times, its' a bit disconcerting. I wonder if I'll always feel this way. It's not a bad or a good thing truthfully. I don't regret anything I've done or not done...but I still wonder if the trade off for doing something you are so passionate about, you care less and less about other things...or am I just putting a wall up as someone suggested so there is no hurt or chance of vulnerability.
Maybe the hibernating/isolation/is merely a result of a long cold winter, one where the comfort of home is really the only company I've needed.
As I completed each Angel (there are others in this group)...I had a slow soft tear wander down my cheek. It was as if I knew that these were not mine to keep, they belonged to someone else in the world, that person unknown for the moment, but they are out there. Nothing created is truly my own...nor is it any artists. We are all vehicles. I think there is great joy in knowing that..and a touch of sorrow too.
Letting go isn't easy. When you are in the quiet of your studio, painting in isolation..the revelation that you can't hold on to anyone or anything forever is repeated day in and day out. It can be an emotional roller coaster sometimes.
The release isn't just about the art.
It's about life in general.
One must feel the bad to feel the good. Experience the pain, to know the elation of joys that come our way. We must truly feel isolated to understand the comfort of being surrounded by love.
We must feel it all...there's no escaping it, no matter what path you choose in life.
I see how it's not living in any extreme for too long that saves us from the pitfalls and the climaxes that can put us over the edge at any moment in time.
Late night musings as she paints in the quiet of the evening.
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