Lucy's HOME, but the House is a Mess

Here's a look at at part of a package I sent off to a blog friend that has done several nice things for me over the last 6 months or so. Just a little thank you for being sweet to me. Karma....good things come back to you when you do good unto others. I hope she had a wonderful wedding and a romantic and fun filled honeymoon. Hurry back, we miss you :)

•I'm having a little bit of a struggle as to how much to share here on this little blog, do you get to peek in the windows, or should I invite you in the front door? Somedays, I only want you to peek in the window. It's nicer that way. It's cleaner. It's almost as if through writing this blog, I'm having a dinner party but never letting my guests indoors and thankfully so, because if I did, they'd see all the laundry piling up and the floor that needs to be swept. Sometimes you'd have to really look for the dust on the floors, but you would see it, because it's there...it always will be. Other days if you came into my world, you'd see how I struggle to get everything done. Work eats up most of my day, then we get home, do homework, I throw something together and call it dinner, finish homework with DS, clean a bit, then we all have a little quiet time to do what we want, blog, craft, watch tv, play outside, play games, then before you know it, it's shower time for DS and off to bed. It feels like a marathon, I swear somedays. Gratefully there would be days when everything has come together like clock work and life is a piece of cake. If you came over those days, you'd see everything clean and sparkling, no laundry in sight, homework done early, dishes already put up and everyone laughing and playing and no signs of struggle anywhere.

•Unfortunately, I've been struggling lately, a lot. A real lot. If you want to come in the front door....come in. If you want to stay outside. I understand, I'd probably want to stay outside too if I had a choice. Remember this post? Well that's the only time I'll be able to post about DS riding it as someone.....and I pretty much know who that someone is.....stole DS's motorcycle sometime between Sunday nite and Monday when I got home from work. He cried...I cried....then I tried to put on a smiling face, and brush it off as if someone probably borrowed it, and is going to bring it back. I probably should have been straight with him but I had one of those desperate moments when I really couldn't think of what to do, or what to say other than it will be okay, one way or another, it's probably not what we think, so hey...let's go do something else while we wait to find out.....then I swept it under the carpet and got started on homework and dinner, like nothing happened at all. Inside, I was screaming mad because I knew what probably happened to it but I had no real way of proving it.

•My last couple of days have gotten worse since then. I'd say I have a broken heart but that's not completely true. It's more like my hearts already been broken and broken at that for a long time now. Someone just finally dug it out of my chest and stomped it to pieces on the ground as if it were on fire and in need of extinguishing. This post here had hope....and promise. I should have known better, because promises have never been kept by this person who I was going to marry (although I wasn't planning on doing it anytime soon....thankfully I didn't dive in that shallow pool), and this time wasn't any different. Like I said, it's hard to know how much to say on the blog....but without going into the play by play...suffice to say I've been dealing with someone in my life that has some serious problems and it's just really affected me and my family's life too much, too often, and I've had enough. I've tried going to help groups, I've tried to be supportive, I've tried to be strict so he stays on the straight and narrow, I've been loving.....but all I am anymore is angry. Angry at him, angrier at myself, angry at the problem....ANGRY AT MY SELF....very angry at myself for believing in someone I probably should never believed in the first place. Maybe there was a purpose....I'm sure there was a reason we were together for the time we were. I hope I taught him something, I had hoped he learned completely from what I had to offer but, I guess, in the end, I wasn't really that good of a teacher.

•He told me, or rather accused me of always having to be in control. I'm in control at work and I have to be in control at home. I'd spit back, Im not in control at work. We work as a TEAM. We get things done together. I just help hold it together there. At home, I'd rather not be in control all the time. I'd like to take a break every once in a while and let someone else do all the worrying, paying the bills, fixing things, making sure everyone's teeth are brushed and that they have something to brush them with. Believe me, I'd rather not always be in control at home. But what it boils down to...someone has to be in control, especially when there's children involved. There's more to raising a child then wrestling with them and playing Playstation2 with them. You need to buy them sneakers, you need to make sure they have something to eat and are safe, you have to say no sometimes, you have to be their cheerleader, and their coach at the sametime, the list goes on and on. Responsibility. That's the bottom line, not control. I take responsibility, not control, although sometimes those two things go hand in hand.

•Finally, today, or rather yesterday I tried to make it happen and today I took some more steps to take back my life, my son's life, our life and okay, maybe my control over the situation, and decided to put my foot down on the problem that I could not fix no matter how hard I tried. I was going to do it several times, most recently, right after the fire. But, my conscious wouldnt' let me. I felt like I was leaving someone when they were terminally ill and on their last breath. I couldn't do it. I had to hope for a miracle. I wanted a miracle. I wanted to believe he could be healed. Healed with my help, my support, and my belief in him. It didn't happen. And so I sit here, in my favorite room in the house, my craft room/computer room. Pondering. Wondering. Re-hashing. Beating myself up. Occasionally crying, but surprisingly enough, not crying as much as I thought I would. Actually, not crying hardly at all despite everything. Strangely enough, or not; I feel relieved. Tomorrow, I hope I wake up refreshed and full of motivation to open a new door and walk on through it with my head held high because I have done the very best I could do and I am ready to move on, I have to move on. I will move on. I've already made my decision. I'm holding my ground, and I will not back down. I am in control, finally. And I'm not ashamed to say it in this case.

•I'm sure I'll be crafting more and creating more over the next several weeks...months..., I do my best when I'm going through change and challenges. I hope if you came for dinner tonite, you understand that not everything is sweet and pretty here some days, but I hope the next time you stop by my house, the laundry will be put away and the floors swept so I'm truly ready for my guests. In fact, I know I'll be waiting by the door for you, smiling again, very soon.

lucy