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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Lucy's HOME, but the House is a Mess


Here's a look at at part of a package I sent off to a blog friend that has done several nice things for me over the last 6 months or so. Just a little thank you for being sweet to me. Karma....good things come back to you when you do good unto others. I hope she had a wonderful wedding and a romantic and fun filled honeymoon. Hurry back, we miss you :)







•I'm having a little bit of a struggle as to how much to share here on this little blog, do you get to peek in the windows, or should I invite you in the front door? Somedays, I only want you to peek in the window. It's nicer that way. It's cleaner. It's almost as if through writing this blog, I'm having a dinner party but never letting my guests indoors and thankfully so, because if I did, they'd see all the laundry piling up and the floor that needs to be swept. Sometimes you'd have to really look for the dust on the floors, but you would see it, because it's there...it always will be. Other days if you came into my world, you'd see how I struggle to get everything done. Work eats up most of my day, then we get home, do homework, I throw something together and call it dinner, finish homework with DS, clean a bit, then we all have a little quiet time to do what we want, blog, craft, watch tv, play outside, play games, then before you know it, it's shower time for DS and off to bed. It feels like a marathon, I swear somedays. Gratefully there would be days when everything has come together like clock work and life is a piece of cake. If you came over those days, you'd see everything clean and sparkling, no laundry in sight, homework done early, dishes already put up and everyone laughing and playing and no signs of struggle anywhere.
•Unfortunately, I've been struggling lately, a lot. A real lot. If you want to come in the front door....come in. If you want to stay outside. I understand, I'd probably want to stay outside too if I had a choice. Remember this post? Well that's the only time I'll be able to post about DS riding it as someone.....and I pretty much know who that someone is.....stole DS's motorcycle sometime between Sunday nite and Monday when I got home from work. He cried...I cried....then I tried to put on a smiling face, and brush it off as if someone probably borrowed it, and is going to bring it back. I probably should have been straight with him but I had one of those desperate moments when I really couldn't think of what to do, or what to say other than it will be okay, one way or another, it's probably not what we think, so hey...let's go do something else while we wait to find out.....then I swept it under the carpet and got started on homework and dinner, like nothing happened at all. Inside, I was screaming mad because I knew what probably happened to it but I had no real way of proving it.
•My last couple of days have gotten worse since then. I'd say I have a broken heart but that's not completely true. It's more like my hearts already been broken and broken at that for a long time now. Someone just finally dug it out of my chest and stomped it to pieces on the ground as if it were on fire and in need of extinguishing. This post here had hope....and promise. I should have known better, because promises have never been kept by this person who I was going to marry (although I wasn't planning on doing it anytime soon....thankfully I didn't dive in that shallow pool), and this time wasn't any different. Like I said, it's hard to know how much to say on the blog....but without going into the play by play...suffice to say I've been dealing with someone in my life that has some serious problems and it's just really affected me and my family's life too much, too often, and I've had enough. I've tried going to help groups, I've tried to be supportive, I've tried to be strict so he stays on the straight and narrow, I've been loving.....but all I am anymore is angry. Angry at him, angrier at myself, angry at the problem....ANGRY AT MY SELF....very angry at myself for believing in someone I probably should never believed in the first place. Maybe there was a purpose....I'm sure there was a reason we were together for the time we were. I hope I taught him something, I had hoped he learned completely from what I had to offer but, I guess, in the end, I wasn't really that good of a teacher.
•He told me, or rather accused me of always having to be in control. I'm in control at work and I have to be in control at home. I'd spit back, Im not in control at work. We work as a TEAM. We get things done together. I just help hold it together there. At home, I'd rather not be in control all the time. I'd like to take a break every once in a while and let someone else do all the worrying, paying the bills, fixing things, making sure everyone's teeth are brushed and that they have something to brush them with. Believe me, I'd rather not always be in control at home. But what it boils down to...someone has to be in control, especially when there's children involved. There's more to raising a child then wrestling with them and playing Playstation2 with them. You need to buy them sneakers, you need to make sure they have something to eat and are safe, you have to say no sometimes, you have to be their cheerleader, and their coach at the sametime, the list goes on and on. Responsibility. That's the bottom line, not control. I take responsibility, not control, although sometimes those two things go hand in hand.
•Finally, today, or rather yesterday I tried to make it happen and today I took some more steps to take back my life, my son's life, our life and okay, maybe my control over the situation, and decided to put my foot down on the problem that I could not fix no matter how hard I tried. I was going to do it several times, most recently, right after the fire. But, my conscious wouldnt' let me. I felt like I was leaving someone when they were terminally ill and on their last breath. I couldn't do it. I had to hope for a miracle. I wanted a miracle. I wanted to believe he could be healed. Healed with my help, my support, and my belief in him. It didn't happen. And so I sit here, in my favorite room in the house, my craft room/computer room. Pondering. Wondering. Re-hashing. Beating myself up. Occasionally crying, but surprisingly enough, not crying as much as I thought I would. Actually, not crying hardly at all despite everything. Strangely enough, or not; I feel relieved. Tomorrow, I hope I wake up refreshed and full of motivation to open a new door and walk on through it with my head held high because I have done the very best I could do and I am ready to move on, I have to move on. I will move on. I've already made my decision. I'm holding my ground, and I will not back down. I am in control, finally. And I'm not ashamed to say it in this case.
•I'm sure I'll be crafting more and creating more over the next several weeks...months..., I do my best when I'm going through change and challenges. I hope if you came for dinner tonite, you understand that not everything is sweet and pretty here some days, but I hope the next time you stop by my house, the laundry will be put away and the floors swept so I'm truly ready for my guests. In fact, I know I'll be waiting by the door for you, smiling again, very soon.
lucy

18 comments :

Becky said...

My loving sister,
This blog has put me in tears. I am so far away and all I want to do is hug you and tell you that you are a beautiful women inside and out. I have always looked up to you and you can get through this. You deserve much better then him and I am proud of you for letting him go. If you need me you call me and I swear I will be in my truck and there in a heart beat. Stand your ground and I promise good things will come. Sometimes in life we need to go through the bad times, the hard times in life to truly appreciate the good times. You my sister have had your share of bad and now, it is time for nothing but good. I know you can do this. My phone is always on for you, my door is always open. I love you and miss you and the boys everyday. Please call me tonight so we can talk. I love you
Becky

Sarah and Jack said...

((((Lucy)))) There are a million things I could say, or I could say nothing and just let you know that I am thinking of you. The "stakes" are totally different when you have kids, aren't they? There is so little time to yourself, to think, to grieve, to breath. Please email me if you need anything at all. (And maybe you should call the police about the bike. Even if it doesn't return, it will make both you and the kiddo feel a small bit better.)

Shara said...

I am sorry for you son losing his motorcycle. That sucks for anyone at any age. I am sorry for what you are going through too. No one here minds a messy house - it's a messy life that needs to be taken care of before things can get better. Don't you worry about anything - just take care of YOU and your boy! Hugs to you too!

VaxGirl said...

Hugs...

Anonymous said...

Jodi-
Stay strong. I know this is hard for you. Better days are coming. YOU KNOW WHERE I AM AND THAT I AM HERE FOR YOU!! I am proud of you. Time for relief and healing pick up the pieces and move on. You are beautiful, smart and so full of life. You have much to offer others. Now is your time. You know whatever you need I am there.. I miss you all very much and love you!! Keep your chin up and SMILE! you are the better person. Don't ever forget that!
LOVE YOUR LITTLE SIS!!
Sherry

Mizfixit said...

For anyone who hasn't met Lucy in person, let me tell you this...she is gracious, generous, resourceful, interesting, creative beyond belief, caring, insightful, and courageous. And not by any means a control freak! She is the glue that holds together our team at work...continually providing direction and inspiration, challenging us to be our best. She was & still is a mentor to me, encouraging me in everything I try. I am proud to say she is a great boss and to count her among my friends.

Lucy, I believe things happen for a reason and we often don't know why. Don't beat yourself up. You did everything you could to be supportive and to help him get better. You tried, my friend. You can't do any more than that. And sometimes, the best thing you can do is walk away because the other person needs to learn for himself. I've done it. And the one I walked away from nearly 17 years ago contacted me a few years ago and told me it was the best thing I ever did for him and that I was smart to leave when I did. He had to hit bottom on his own and take responsibility for his own life. He lied, he cheated, he stole from me, he committed fraud, drank endlessly & then after I left did crystal meth until the cows came home. It took him living homeless on the streets to wake him up. All his friends were gone, his family shunned him. He woke up after 2 years of that miserable existence, got into rehab, got some vocational training and is now a programmer/ analyst for Intuit, has a super family, and is happy with his life.
Sorry, I didn't mean to go on & on about that but I want you to know that it's not YOUR fault. You deserve far better in this life and it's your time now. I know how strong you are & you WILL shine brightly again very soon!!! Stay true to yourself and you'll be fine!

Heidi said...

From these comments, I can tell you have lots of people in your life who love you. Know that a bunch of us who only know you through Sweet Repeats are holding you in our thoughts and prayers. Thanks for sharing your dirty laundry. We all have it!

Jennifer said...

I'm hoping this is not a dupe post - my comment keeps vanishing, but I really want you to get my comment, so here it is:

I'm sending lots of hugs and good thoughts your way. I, too, was in a very bad relationship that was eating me up inside horribly and, while ending the relationship was one of the toughest things I had to do, it was definitely for the best. Leaving a bad relationship is alot harder than many people believe.

I also wonder how much personal info I should post. Everyone has a past, everyone has problems and issues. Life is not all cheery. You need to post whatever you are comfortable with.

Take care.

Jen said...

I have been trying to bring myself to post something very similar. Seems like we are going through the same feelings. Ive learned its ok not to cry, or cry too much its a sign that you are accepting what is going on.

Christy said...

((((Lucy))))
Hang in there honey! You've got a lot of friends out here in blogland that are keeping you in their thoughts. I hope that life looks brighter in the morning.

Paula said...

My heart is crying for you, but at the same time knowing that you are so strong and life is going to be good to you. You just need to believe...
I went through a similar experience many years ago and am so much the better for it. Makes you have sympathy and understanding for others.
Blessing to you and your little man. Keep your chin up!

linda t said...

My heart goes out to you Lucy...
You are doing the right thing for you and your son.
Know that you are worth being loved and cherished and cared for and valued for who you are.
Know that we are out here as your biggest fans, cheering you on and praying for you in the days and weeks ahead. Thanks for sharing your heart Lucy.

Lucy said...

To my family and friends, both old and new....thank you so much for your heartfelt words of wisdom, compassion, and understanding. It means more to me then you will ever know. I gain strength through your prayers and thoughts, and I know in my heart of hearts I have given all of myself to this person in my life who has such serious problems, and now it's time to move on before it cost me and my family anymore than it already has. Thank you so much for listening and helping me through this difficult time.

I love you all.

lucy

Colleen said...

Please know I'm thinking of you and sending supportive/healing thoughts. Sometimes you just have to open the door wide piles of laundry be damned.

oliveoyl64 said...

Lucy,

I have been a lurker on your blog for some time, but I am delurking because you have hit a nerve with me. I am proud of you for realizing the stress this person has caused you and your family, and having the strength to let him go. I know it was not an easy decision, but you deserve to be treated like a queen. My favorite quote comes from the book, "He's just not that into you."

"Being in a good relationship is much better than being in a bad relationship, and you'll never be able to be in a good relationship if you're sticking with Mr.Sh*tty What's His Name."

BTW, I have been waiting 13 years to find the "one" that will treat me as I feel I deserve to be treated.
Stay strong!!!!

Bee said...

{{{HUGS}}}
Lucy, I read your post over several times. The short version of a very long reply I could write is you've done the best thing.
I've been in the same boat. Making the decision to get out is the hardest - and then you wonder why you put up with so much for so long. You and your child come first. I proud of you.

I would call the police over the bike. To take a kids bike is the lowest of the low.

An Odd Duck said...

I just wanted to say that it is very brave and strong to do what you know needs to be done sometimes, and it is also hard to put it out there. You are obviously very brave and caring. Even though we are only known through the world of blogging, I will be thinking of you.

Rebecca said...

Sister, if you need help folding that laundry you let me know. I can even do fitted sheets. In other words, I'm here if you need anything even if it's just a hug. :)