Holy Moly...it's Hump Day Already!
The week is moving swiftly as it usually does when you have a list a mile longer than the time to finish it all in. It's all good though if I weren't busy, I'd be even more worried. Yesterday I worked on a lot of my class preparation (my new online class) with lessons going live each week on Fridays, the beginning of the week is spent on preparing all the creative goodness for the students. After I was done with my prep work, I spent time (a lot of time) cleaning a SMALL portion of my studio. I figure knocking out little chunks of chaos at a time is the way to go for me. Actually that's how I approach life, too. When there is too much coming at me, I try to just deal with what's right in front of me. One step at a time,
For this page, the base of it is painted with Silks Acrylics and the stencil designs where sprayed on with permanent acrylic inks that I mix up and make my own sprays.
The fish came from a National Geographic Magazine.
Fish. Hmm. The theme just kinda spoke to me yesterday. I've been down on myself lately, knowing that I needed to make some changes or at least the reason why I have been down, I'm attributing to how I feel about myself. If that makes sense. Let's just put it out there. I'm tired of being alone. Most of the reason why I"m alone is that I've made myself unavailable for the last 7 or 8 years waiting for someone to change that never would. Then when I thought I was ready to move on, I fell for a con artist that financially broke me and almost caused me to have to give up my dream of being a full time artist. (That story is a long one and one I'll save for another time).
So then I'm thinking, it's really probably me. I'm at fault. It's my weight. I must look horrid. I obviously am not winning any pageants or contests or I wouldn't be in this solo situation. My answer to that has to join a gym and I've been going almost everyday for the last month. And you know what, it feels really good no matter what the reason is that I first started to go, it gets me out of the house (which is really important considering for the large majority of the time I'm by myself here), and I feel much better and more relaxed after going.
I even did 700 arm weight lifting repetitions and the about 1/2 the amount leg exercises. I'm working with water weights and aerobic activity which I love. So far so good, I've lost about 5 lbs with my goal of 30 altogether in the next few months. I'm not saying that that's going to change my facebook 'status'.lol but at least I'll feel better about how I look.
I think about why I wasn't good enough for someone I did care about quite a bit not love me enough to stop the downward spiral he was going in.
I think about why I was such an IDIOT to fall for another con man right after that.
I think about what it's going to be like when my boys move and have lives that are really their own.
I think that how much of life is timing. Why you meet someone at one point in time and it's not the right time, and then when it is...it's too late for one or both of us. So I guess that's really not right or never was and never will be.
And then I think that maybe things just haven't worked out for me yet because of this new path I've chosen in my career. It takes so much out of me that there really isn't more to give to anyone. I barely have time to take a day off or go to sleep before 11:00 right now...building things up takes more than anyone can ever imagine.
And then I think, that's just an excuse. I do some of what I do because I purposely dive in and not make time.
Calling myself out here.
Whatever it is. At least I'll be alone with nice arms. HA!
It's actually not a bad thing to be alone. I can attest to that after living with HUGE, unbelievable, chaotic drama in my life, day in and day out.
Until you live with or love someone who is an addict, it's hard to describe what that does to YOUR life.
Without that chaos, I have been able to move forward and pursue things I really wanted and I have so much less stress in that everyday pursuit without a noose around my neck and a
train wreck crashing into our lives each and every day.
Flying solo does scare me.
I hope it's not forever.
Thinking that it will be forever is probably irrational, Right??
All I'm asking for is a sign that it won't be forever.
Until then, I'll be working on my arm muscles and trying to fit into those now out of syle but benchmark jeans in my closet. I'll try not to be an idiot again and fall for anymore lifesuckers/moneysuckers/self suckers too while I'm at it. You can't fix someone else, but you can fix YOU.
"Where Are All The Fish"
Come get "Funky" with me!
Funky Little Cityscapes, an online class that you don't want to miss!!