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Wednesday, November 06, 2013

Art Everyday Month Project 5: Where are all the Fish?

Holy's Hump Day Already!
The week is moving swiftly as it usually does when you have a list a mile longer than the time to finish it all in. It's all good though if I weren't busy, I'd be even more worried.    Yesterday I worked on a lot of my class preparation (my new online class) with lessons going live each week on Fridays, the beginning of the week is spent on preparing all the creative goodness for the students.  After I was done with my prep work, I spent time (a lot of time)  cleaning a SMALL portion of my studio. I figure knocking out little chunks of chaos at a time is the way to go for me. Actually that's how I approach life, too. When there is too much coming at me, I try to just deal with what's right in front of me. One step at a time,
With the cleaning and class prep behind me, it was time to journal a bit, after all...when I was cleaning, it was almost like I was in a meditative state just thinking about life in general and clearing/cleaning out my brain and was finally ready to unload on to the page.

Like most of my journal pages, I had the base of it ready to go.  That's the way I like to roll. Prepare ahead of time then go back when I'm ready to add to it.
For this page, the base of it is painted with Silks Acrylics and the stencil designs where sprayed on with permanent acrylic inks that I mix up and make my own sprays.
The fish came from a National Geographic Magazine.

Fish. Hmm.  The theme just kinda spoke to me yesterday.  I've been down on myself lately, knowing that I needed to make some changes or at least the reason why I have been down, I'm attributing to how I feel about myself. If that makes sense.   Let's just put it out there. I'm tired of being alone. Most of the reason why I"m alone is that I've made myself unavailable for the last 7 or 8 years waiting for someone to change that never would.  Then when I thought I was ready to move on, I fell for a con artist that financially broke me and almost caused me to have to give up my dream of being a full time artist. (That story is a long one and one I'll save for another time).

There have been a few other options in between con men (I'm only half joking here)...but nothing that clicked either way. Most don't understand what it takes to do what I do full time, and the ones that do understand, well they aren't knocking on my studio doors and I haven't met them yet.
So then I'm thinking, it's really probably me. I'm at fault. It's my weight. I must look horrid. I obviously am not winning any pageants or contests or I wouldn't be in this solo situation.   My answer to that has to join a gym and I've been going almost everyday for the last month. And you know what, it feels really good no matter what the reason is that I first started to go, it gets me out of the house (which is really important considering for the large majority of the time I'm by myself here), and I feel much better and more relaxed after going.  

I even did 700 arm weight lifting repetitions and the about 1/2 the amount leg exercises. I'm working with water weights and aerobic activity which I love.   So far so good, I've lost about 5 lbs with my goal of 30 altogether in the next few months.  I'm not saying that that's going to change my facebook 'status'.lol  but at least I'll feel better about how I look.

But ya, thinking about being alone the rest of my life does keep me up at night from time to time.

I think about why I wasn't good enough for someone I did care about quite a bit not love me enough to stop the downward spiral he was going in. 

I think about why  I was such an IDIOT to fall for another con man right after that. 

I think about what it's going to be like when my boys move and have lives that are really their own.

I think that how much of life is timing. Why you meet someone at one point in time and it's not the right time, and then when it's too late for one or both of us.  So I guess that's really not right or never was and never will be.

And then I think that maybe things just haven't worked out for me yet because of this new path I've chosen in my career. It takes so much out of me that there really isn't more to give to anyone. I barely have time to take a day off or go to sleep before 11:00 right now...building things up takes more than anyone can ever imagine.
And then I think, that's just an excuse. I do some of what I do because I purposely dive in and not make time.
Calling myself out here.

 Whatever it is.  At least I'll be alone with nice arms. HA!

It's actually not a bad thing to be alone. I can attest to that after living with HUGE, unbelievable, chaotic drama in my life, day in and day out. 
Until you live with or love someone who is an addict, it's hard to describe what that does to YOUR life.
Without that chaos, I have been able to move forward and pursue things I really wanted and I have so much less stress in that everyday pursuit without a noose around my neck and a 
train wreck crashing into our lives each and every day.

Flying solo does scare me.

I hope it's not forever.

Thinking that it will be forever is probably irrational, Right??

 All I'm asking for is a sign that it won't be forever.
That's all. 
Until then, I'll be working on my arm muscles and trying to fit into those now out of syle but benchmark jeans in my closet. I'll try not to be an idiot again and fall for anymore lifesuckers/moneysuckers/self suckers too while I'm at it.  You can't fix someone else, but you can fix YOU.


"Where Are All The Fish"

Artfully Yours,

Come get "Funky" with me!

Funky Little Cityscapes, an online class that   you don't want to miss!!


Tori Burgess said...

Very touching blog Jodi. I have some experience in this myself and have found that once you accept "what is" it opens the doors. It may be Fate has other plans for you or she needs you concentrating on your art. Love is a huge distraction even if there is no drama. :)
Being single is not always being alone... You have many friends and people who love you just as you are. Don't change unless it's for yourself. If you do find someone, he should accept you just as you are!

I had a friend who changed everything about herself just to marry a man because she was insecure (long story). She loved coffee, was not religious and hated mingling with strangers.. Now she can not drink coffee and has to wear the Mormon underwear (she hates), attend church and is married to a Brigadier General and must play hostess all the time. I believe she is regretting giving up so much of herself now. :(

SherryL350 said...

It's so much better to be alone than to be in a relationship and still be alone.

You've inspired me to work out (among other things).

Sherry Barnes

A Muser said...

Your candor and open heart moved me today. I, too, was on the "I am so alone" and tired of it. I have two sons and dated here and there and finally gave up dating for 6 years. I knew that when my youngest moved out the time would happen for a partner. I knew in my soul that there was someone for me.

In the meantime I found a group of women artists and friends who loved to explore art and travel. I found my JOY through these friendships. I found myself and I learned to LOVE the company of women for the first time in my life. Life is so much richer with women friends.

My youngest moved out, I forged a friendship with a man and now we're married. Being friends with a man is a myth, but we took our time to know each other long distant. We both wanted to like each other first. I think it takes 3 to 5 years to get to know a potential partner. We make room for each other's desires, dreams and goals in life.

We've moved away from my tribe of women and I feel like I am so alone, even though my husband is my best friend. I miss my women art friends.

I've been following you around the wired world. You're very talented and I enjoy your work. Be at peace right where you are.

Jo Anne O. said...

Wow, Jodi! I am sorry for all the bad stuff you have been through, but look where it has allowed you to end up! I firmly believe that we are put in situations that test us for a reason, we might not know what the reason is but one day it will show itself.

Life is not always kind, but those moments when the ultimate purpose for situations that you have lived through become clear to you, well, there is nothing like that feeling in the world!

Vicki Miller said...

Love your bright pages. Don't give up. I found my other half when I thought I would never cope with another one and he has helped me to become the artist I am. We are both obsessive creatives and it works. The housework never gets done, but it works!

Debbie said...

This so touched a nerve in me. And you are stronger and smarter having looked it in the eye and defined it. I too worked my way through a couple of con men, survived (with some healing tears) and spent some time wishing I was not alone and wondering if I always would be.
Oddly, when I accepted that I very well may be single for the rest of my life, and allowed myself to be 'me' and not try to fit any other person's definition of who I should be, a man who delights in my singular personality showed up.
Maybe this is just the time you need to re-discover YOU. Enjoy the journey. And when you're joy shines brightest, it will be seen by the right person.