Looking Back

I never meant to stay away so long. In fact, my original plan was to take a picture a day and post it in December to get me back into the swing of posting and routine. Lately life is anything but routine, in a lot of ways that is a good thing, in other ways--sometimes I just have to remember to step back and breathe a bit.

(Class set up at Swank December 6th)

And so today I turn 41. Reflecting back not just on this year but the 40 years leading up to this day, I am so proud of so many things. I'd want to go back and change a few, who wouldn't. There again, it's those bumps in the road that lead us down the clearer path eventually so maybe the things I would have changed were supposed to be there all along. The bigger question, what's next? What do I want to do for not just me, but for my family, my career, the community--what are my goals? I looked back in my idea book for 2009 and it is full of things that I wrote down as goals and plans for the year and it was wonderful to see I accomplished many of them, those that I didn't button up, I did make headway on. It's always better to move forward rather than not move anywhere at all. Even with little steps, you still make progress.

Creating everyday has become more than a habit, it's become a life line for me. Nourishing, safe, challenging, and peaceful even when I've over committed myself, I still feel more at peace creating than I do anything else.

My kids are by far, my dearest and most proud accomplishments. It's fun seeing my to babies grow into such thoughtful, intelligent, kind, funny, generous, giving, and loving young men. I get teary eyed just thinking about how much joy they've giving me in the last 15 years. We have our bumps in the road and things aren't exactly like I would have envisioned them between us, but in the end-I know things are the way they should be for now. I can't wait to see how they evolve as I enter the latter half of my life. Theirs is just beginning.

I've created a lot of commission pieces this year, far more than I could have expected and for that I'm very grateful. This next project I'm working on, is one of my hardest as it is a memorial painting for a mother who's young daughter lost her short battle with heart disease.

Through art, I'm learning how to deal with emotions, even those that are not mine alone.

Over the last couple of years, I've become connected. Connected with an abundance of wonderfully beautiful, talented, giving, and amazing creative individuals that I can call my friends. This is huge for me because I've had a hard time making friends in the south not because of the people, but because I was not open to it. I was all about my job and my family and not always in that order. Shameful to say but true--mostly because I felt I had to be that way in order to keep our financial world afloat. When I let go of some major things in my world, I became opened to some very positive things, people, and opportunities. I am way happier than ever before in my life, a lot of it has to do with me finding my creative side and feeling good about myself again.
If you don't feel good about yourself, and believe in yourself--it's hard to expect others to feel that way either about you. Unfortunately over the last few months, I've kinda become sucked back into an area of my life I had thought I had gotten passed but I gave it one more shot (after a bazillion) one more shots and I do believe it has been poisoning me. I have been thinking of why I feel a bit out of sorts, overwhelmed, not very focused, and just in general not overly happy. And then I realized that the one major thing that has changed is being around a person that is very draining on me emotionally and it has affected me tremendously and in the same vein, my children. No one ever told me breaking free from what should be obvious could be so hard. My friends have intervened in a good way yesterday, bringing me back to reality and at a point of strength where I feel I can move forward with my head tall and feet firmly planted.

Maybe after I march forward, I will be able to truly enjoy all that I have worked so hard for.

41 years and I finally own a home, I have a career, two wonderful children, a hobby that has turned into a passion and many more dreams yet to accomplish before the sun sets.



Thank you for looking back for a brief moment with me as I get ready to really and truly move forward for this next half of my life.