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Monday, December 21, 2009

Let's Be Honest


Honesty is the best policy, so let's just be honest today. Last week I wrote about the poison that was in my life that I needed to be rid of and I was determined to let it go and resolved, I still am. It's amazing though how poison can linger in you like a bad cold that just won't go away. You think you have it licked and then once again you're lying in bed with hot flashes and a cough that won't stop. It comes up on you when you were feeling fine hours before. This morning I woke up determined to find out the honest truth of what has been going on. Face it head on whether or not I liked the medicine prescribed for me or the diagnosis given.
Has anyone ever dealt with someone in their life that has a substance abuse problem? No matter what the drug of choice is, everyone that that person touches is affected. On one hand, there are those lucid moments when the person you love is available and ready to be the person that you want them to be and hold tight to. You truly believe that they taste what normalcy is like and they will want to stay in that state with you and the rest of their sober friends and family. Then as quickly as that lucid moment comes, it goes away as a fast as a tide recedes from the shore. So fast that you can barely touch it for more than a fleeting moment. You say you won't tolerate it any longer and they say they are sorry they know you are right and they want to do better if they only knew how. And they do mean it in the moment that they say it, but that moment never lasts. The promises are shallow and the lies wide to cover their tracks.
I've been down this path more times than I can even care to remember with him. It's even worse then I'm conveying here. I'm hiding what I'm ashamed to tell. Embarrassed that I dismissed the 'told ya so's yet again. Believing in the empty promises one more time. To be sure, there have been some very good times in the last several months and over the last 6 years and I've been helped quite a bit by this person in the only way he could help me--with my car, with my house, with my yard. But a dear price I paid for that double fisted assistance. I guess in his mind, helping me in those ways made up for the wrong doings that have been going on practically daily.



Flash back to last weekend. We were supposed to get together for my birthday. Then I never heard from him. Normally there are 10 phone calls a day all up in my kool aid whether I want the calls or not. Immediately I thought either a) he's in jail b) he's in some drug induced stupor or c) he's taken up with someone--or perhaps some combination of all the above. A few more days passed and I get a phone call during the day when I'm at work with a half hearted apology, "I'm sorry I missed your birthday, I'll call you later". Then nothing again. I wasn't about to call but I still wondered what he was up to, half wondering if he was dead some place along side of the road or in some sort of trouble. Nothing I wanted to see, but all things that cross one's mine. When you deal with someone that has problems such as these, to go away for several days at a time is not unusual--they get on a high and they don't stop until all money and resources are totally spent and then regret sets in and they crawl back with more empty promises and sorryness. Not this time. No calls, nothing.

Today I talked with his Mom who came over my house to help me do something and asked her for honesty as it was long overdue. She busted out crying--the whole family is beside themselves--on the day he was supposed to come down here for my birthday he decided to take up with his Uncle's ex-wife. Ha. What a story. I couldn't have wrote a fiction tale better than this one if I tried. Well, you don't just do something dramatic like that on the spur of the moment and especially not before the person you are supposed to love's birthday. I'm sure it's been going on all along. It just happened to come to a head because I made him leave the house because of the chaos that had started once again because of his issues. The woman has children which are technically his kin--she is the best friend of his brother's wife who is friends with me, she is the x of his uncle for goodness sake.
Have at it.
Done.

I struggle with even writing about this. I make art that's happy and colorful, whimsical and inspirational. What do you do when you are not feeling at all like your art? At all like celebrating the holidays? I'm embarrassed because of the truth. I could kick myself from one coast to the next if I was able to.
Is there a medicine that can wash the 6 years of hurt away?
Should it be washed away? I know I'm sick of the rollercoaster I had been riding and it was more than time to get off it, but still....finding out the truth just about put a dagger in my heart. If you only knew all that I have been through because of this thoughtless, coward, insensitive, cruel, sorry piece of you know what, man--you'd agree I'm better off. I agree I'm better off. But it still hurts.

I chose these pictures for this post today because they represent bigger things, more important things then what I've been dwelling on. 2010--a New Year, a New beginning. "What if One Day Never Comes" Maybe today should be One Day. Then the angel painting reflects on how quickly things can be taken away from you--a child like Jade, taken well before she could really bloom. One day can make all the difference in someone's world. It has in mine. Tomorrow will be better as it normally is after you fall down and skin your knees. It's sore at first and probably will still smart tomorrow. Day by day it heals, until there's just a tiny scar to remember that moment when you fell down, but quickly got back up.

Let's hope time is the medicine I need tonight. I'm hoping I'm given One More Day to make my difference. Lord knows I've wasted many precious ones lately.

Here's to honesty. As much as it can hurt, it really is the best to know rather than to wonder.

*****
I promise the post will be better tomorrow!! I do have some good news to share that happened today that I am excited about. I just needed a day to vent!

21 comments :

risa said...

Jodi--Many, many years ago I was in a relationship that took so much of my time and energy (I've written about it occasionally). There are some similarities to your story...the charming side of your beau & good times that you cling to, the lies that you hide from others and worse, yourself. Don't beat yourself up! Hindsight is always 20-20.

Making art will be your medicine, your recovery! It will take time, but you will rebuild your life without this person...nnd it will be better!

Thank you for having the courage to share with others. Be kind to yourself and pat yourself on the back for moving on!

Good luck on the next phase of your journey!

laura said...

You don't need promise a better post tomorrow. This is a good and honest post. Things fulfill us and things deplete us. Sometimes it's best to just acknowledge that this person is your addiction and that you mean it too when you say you are done and yet that never lasts. It's much better to acknowledge that you are sick of the cycle, that you deserve to get out of the cycle and that you want to, but not make hard and fast statements about when --- because it only leads to feelings of shame when you hop back onto your addiction to a person/dynamic. You are just in the cycle and at some point, with very little effort and angst you will suddenly realize that for you it's over...but you have to let it happen when you are ready unless of course you fear for your physical/mental self in a serious way. Until it happens, be gentle with yourself. You have no reason to be embarrassed at all. And of course it hurts and stings and that isn't something to hide. Just because someone is acting unlovable doesn't mean you have to feel shame for loving them, at some point you just decide (from within not from external influences) that you love your more...even if that self-love seems to waver. I loved your honest post--you are so genuine and I hope you do feel better about it all soon.

laura said...

oops-I never made claims about my great spelling-pardon the typos!

Micki said...

Oh i'm so sorry to hear you are going through this right now, I think a lot of us have been in similar situations in one way or another and it hurts like hell!
I hope you can move on and become a better person not a bitter person after all of this.(it's tough and don't be afraid to ask those close to you for help and support)
I'm sending a lot of love your way.
Micki x

Denise said...

Jodi,

I am in a somewhat similar situation at the moment. I understand the shame you feel but know with all of my soul that you have to let it go. YOU did nothing wrong by caring about someone. And you will learn from this.
Paint it out! and bravo on your honesty in writing about it.

Marilyn Rock said...

I can totally relate to your honest post here and sorry you had to endure all that you have. But; concentrate on YOU and your goals, all the positive things that you have in your life and take strength in knowing that you survived! We, as women, are strong; I swear we're born with this inner strength that, sometimes, isn't tested until well into our life journey.

Here's to brighter days and nights, for you, you have so much to offer us!

Best to you and yours - Marilyn

whyte said...

You knew this, you just didn't want to. Girl, you are missing a lot of what is also happening with you here. You have gained a mountain of self confidence over time. You've learned what you can do on your own. You would have come to this same conclussion, just a little further down the road. When one has great aspirations and needs to fly, one learns you'll never get off the ground with dead weight to keep you down. You were already outgrowing this child. So remember the good times with delight, but leave him in your dust. There is a whole world out there without misery, but we can become so "addicted" as you say, that we forget how nice it can be. Everyone possess something we can love, so for gorsh sakes don't beat yourself up.

CreativeFlutter said...

Jodi,

I'm so very sorry to hear what you've been through and all you've had to endure. I can't even begin to imagine what that is like. 2010 is a year of new beginnings, new friendships, new hope and love. You are in my heart during this rough time. You are truly an inspiration to me and anyone who may be dealing with similar problems. Your art is your therapy, keep it light and happy because truly you will be that again. If I was there I'd give you a HUGE HUG and say it's going to be OK but since distance is between us this will have to do. Jodi you are a strong woman and you are loved by many.

God bless you and Merry Christmas.

Aimée

Persimmons Gal said...

Jodi you have absolutely nothing in the world to be ashamed of. You are an angel. You tried to help someone who was not helpable. (like that word I think I just made it up) Life is full of good times and bad and that is what makes us who we are. You my dear are a wonderful person and deserve to live a life of happiness and abundance and I think you are on that path right now. Good luck to you in 2010.

Joella said...

I agree with Whyte...embrace tomorrow and let go of the past. Please visit this site http://www.byronkatie.com/ I think you will find it's what your sould needs right at this moment:)

Nanette said...

Jodi,
Your courage and strength have always awed me. I was raised by an alcoholic (and occasionally abusive) father, I understand this cycle. It is his illness and not yours. You cannot change him nor accept responsible. You tried to love him, but he is currently incapable of comprehending this gift. Ultimately, your responsibility is for yourself and your sons. What is best for you? Only you know that and only you can make the dreams reality. You will survive and as the adage goes "What does not kill you, only makes your stronger." Reach for the moon, Jodi, its just hanging there waiting for you.

NuminosityBeads said...

How brave of you to air this. I appreciate your courage.
May all of your repeats be sweet!

Joella said...

The link I gave you earlier was not the one I wanted to give you. Please try this one www.thework.com

Robin said...

Im sad to hear of this..Love your work..and joy it spreads..would never have guessed the pain inside...this too will pass..thats what people always remind me of...its true..the power of now...!!

Lucy said...

Wow...what can I say, I'm overwhelmed with such gratitude for this outpouring of love and support. Thank you so much. The funny thing about my creative streak--it really was inspired at first because of my difficulty dealing with this person. So for that, I'm grateful because I've had so many joyous opportunities afforded me. I have to remember that things to happen for a reason and I will heal because of this not in spite of it.

My heartfelt thanks to all my friends who have left a message or stopped by to read my blog today.

Kat said...

You would be surprised to know how many people can relate to your story, including myself. That's why I know you can get past this. Right now, it's still a habit, just like his habit. He is your drug. Both of you would like to stop but can't. He knows his problem makes his life unmanageable and you know that he makes your life unmanageable, not to mention sad. Try rereading your post everyday until it truly sinks in why you need to give up your drug and kick the habit. From someone who truly know. Take good care of yourself.

Heidi said...

It sounds like you have your answer, so I won't give advice. But I did want to comment on your saying that your art is colorful and happy. It is. But I think it also contains a very deep message and is obviously created by someone who has lived through the ups and downs of a painful but deep life. That it is whimsical and inspirational in spite of all that is the part that is a miracle! Keep creating. And listening to your heart.

Amy said...

XO sweet friend. I know it hurts. I have been there. It is even harder I think when you have been treated so badly. You don't want it to hurt. You want to be tough enough to toss it over your shoulder and move on. Be gentle with yourself. Make some dark and ugly art if you need to.
Tonight you will be surrounded by people who love you and want to lift you up. We know what a gem you are, and are determined to remind you too.

allmimsey said...

What do you do when you are not feeling at all like your art? I feel odd responding to such a personal post, as a stranger, however your question struck me so strongly. What do you do? You make art like you are feeling. Make it dark, messy, ugly, mean, broken, spent. I wish you peace and love in the new year, hope and confidence as you move forward.

Regina said...

Haven't popped by lately and so sorry to read that you've been suffering so. I know you are a strong woman and will be stronger & wiser because of this. Sending you lots of love.

Liz-Anna said...

Thanks, Jodi. That definitely explains what was behind the painting although the pain in the portrait was self evident. Takes courage to share this. Most of us can't but what you say resonates and it may be just what someone else needs to hear to do what they need to do, too. All the best.