Honesty is the best policy, so let's just be honest today. Last week I wrote about the poison that was in my life that I needed to be rid of and I was determined to let it go and resolved, I still am. It's amazing though how poison can linger in you like a bad cold that just won't go away. You think you have it licked and then once again you're lying in bed with hot flashes and a cough that won't stop. It comes up on you when you were feeling fine hours before. This morning I woke up determined to find out the honest truth of what has been going on. Face it head on whether or not I liked the medicine prescribed for me or the diagnosis given.
Has anyone ever dealt with someone in their life that has a substance abuse problem? No matter what the drug of choice is, everyone that that person touches is affected. On one hand, there are those lucid moments when the person you love is available and ready to be the person that you want them to be and hold tight to. You truly believe that they taste what normalcy is like and they will want to stay in that state with you and the rest of their sober friends and family. Then as quickly as that lucid moment comes, it goes away as a fast as a tide recedes from the shore. So fast that you can barely touch it for more than a fleeting moment. You say you won't tolerate it any longer and they say they are sorry they know you are right and they want to do better if they only knew how. And they do mean it in the moment that they say it, but that moment never lasts. The promises are shallow and the lies wide to cover their tracks.
I've been down this path more times than I can even care to remember with him. It's even worse then I'm conveying here. I'm hiding what I'm ashamed to tell. Embarrassed that I dismissed the 'told ya so's yet again. Believing in the empty promises one more time. To be sure, there have been some very good times in the last several months and over the last 6 years and I've been helped quite a bit by this person in the only way he could help me--with my car, with my house, with my yard. But a dear price I paid for that double fisted assistance. I guess in his mind, helping me in those ways made up for the wrong doings that have been going on practically daily.
Flash back to last weekend. We were supposed to get together for my birthday. Then I never heard from him. Normally there are 10 phone calls a day all up in my kool aid whether I want the calls or not. Immediately I thought either a) he's in jail b) he's in some drug induced stupor or c) he's taken up with someone--or perhaps some combination of all the above. A few more days passed and I get a phone call during the day when I'm at work with a half hearted apology, "I'm sorry I missed your birthday, I'll call you later". Then nothing again. I wasn't about to call but I still wondered what he was up to, half wondering if he was dead some place along side of the road or in some sort of trouble. Nothing I wanted to see, but all things that cross one's mine. When you deal with someone that has problems such as these, to go away for several days at a time is not unusual--they get on a high and they don't stop until all money and resources are totally spent and then regret sets in and they crawl back with more empty promises and sorryness. Not this time. No calls, nothing.
Today I talked with his Mom who came over my house to help me do something and asked her for honesty as it was long overdue. She busted out crying--the whole family is beside themselves--on the day he was supposed to come down here for my birthday he decided to take up with his Uncle's ex-wife. Ha. What a story. I couldn't have wrote a fiction tale better than this one if I tried. Well, you don't just do something dramatic like that on the spur of the moment and especially not before the person you are supposed to love's birthday. I'm sure it's been going on all along. It just happened to come to a head because I made him leave the house because of the chaos that had started once again because of his issues. The woman has children which are technically his kin--she is the best friend of his brother's wife who is friends with me, she is the x of his uncle for goodness sake.
Have at it.
I struggle with even writing about this. I make art that's happy and colorful, whimsical and inspirational. What do you do when you are not feeling at all like your art? At all like celebrating the holidays? I'm embarrassed because of the truth. I could kick myself from one coast to the next if I was able to.
Is there a medicine that can wash the 6 years of hurt away?
Should it be washed away? I know I'm sick of the rollercoaster I had been riding and it was more than time to get off it, but still....finding out the truth just about put a dagger in my heart. If you only knew all that I have been through because of this thoughtless, coward, insensitive, cruel, sorry piece of you know what, man--you'd agree I'm better off. I agree I'm better off. But it still hurts.
I chose these pictures for this post today because they represent bigger things, more important things then what I've been dwelling on. 2010--a New Year, a New beginning. "What if One Day Never Comes" Maybe today should be One Day. Then the angel painting reflects on how quickly things can be taken away from you--a child like Jade, taken well before she could really bloom. One day can make all the difference in someone's world. It has in mine. Tomorrow will be better as it normally is after you fall down and skin your knees. It's sore at first and probably will still smart tomorrow. Day by day it heals, until there's just a tiny scar to remember that moment when you fell down, but quickly got back up.
Let's hope time is the medicine I need tonight. I'm hoping I'm given One More Day to make my difference. Lord knows I've wasted many precious ones lately.
Here's to honesty. As much as it can hurt, it really is the best to know rather than to wonder.
I promise the post will be better tomorrow!! I do have some good news to share that happened today that I am excited about. I just needed a day to vent!