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Tuesday, January 10, 2017

A Revealing Heart--An Art Journal Page Discussed

"A heart often reveals itself in times of difficulty. It either shines, doesn't."

Last week was undoubtedly filled with lots of highs and lows, great memories, full of promise of potentially a new relationship, but ultimately ended with extreme sorrow for our family unexpectedly.  It was in that time of grief, that I had time to reflect once again about many things: such as how short life is and how it can change when you least expect it. People, animals, things, all come into your life not necessarily forever, but if you allow them to, they teach you lessons that you can carry in your heart the rest of your life.

Without going into the details again, for those of you who follow me on Facebook, you already know, but suffice to say, Friday we lost a beloved member of our family unexpectedly.  Not a person, but rather our pet who might of well been a person because that's how he was treated.  

My son and I were devastated of course and in shock all weekend...still in shock.   At the same time, earlier in the week, I met someone who seemed very special....romantic, brought me flowers on the first date,  chatted with me throughout the week, we went out on a second date and had an even better time, and generally seemed to get along well. Things looked very promising until  I had a crisis on Friday that brought me to my knees.

Not that I expected pity or this person to come running to me as in reality, we only known each other a week...but the true colors of this person's sincerity showed a lot earlier than I suppose some may show months or possibly years later,  and for that I'm grateful.

Spoiler wasn't good.

Not to be the Taylor Swift of the art world and lay all my cards out for the world to see, but I just have to say I'm proud of myself for not wanting to change someone like I normally would take on a challenge like this.   The g-rated version of the exchange was that 15 minutes after we talked on the phone Friday about the devastating course of events that happened that afternoon, I get a text that HE was disappointed we wouldn't be getting together tonight. Not a sorry this happened, can I do anything for you, blah blah blah.  

At first, I made an excuse of well, he really doesn't know me that well yet and couldn't possibly know how I feel or how I react in moments of extreme sorrow, stress, or struggles.  And maybe he just wasn't brought up to be super compassionate with words, not everyone knows how to communicate well or openly. I can relate, often my method of communication is in writing or through my art.

But to be made to feel guilty over not wanting to go out (and I can say going out very loosely because I can say with 150% certainty that dinner and a movie wasn't what he wanted)  on a day that I had been crying my eyes out over a loss of a loved was pretty revealing of his character.

The next two days...Saturday and Sunday were more of the same.  No contact until later in the day, no check in on how I'm doing.  Just are you coming over tonight?  No. No. and No.

If that's the best you have, then I'd rather have nothing at all. Period.

I am ready for dating again after a long break but my time is so limited, I barely have enough for myself, my kids, and my close friends---if I make room for someone, I want to make it count.   

That brings me back to the moral of the story-- part of the theme for my  resolutions this year, have been to stand my ground and make myself "Better Than Before".  I might have thought well, he's a decent person with a good job and well he did buy me dinner and bring me flowers 2x.. Maybe I should help him to see how his lack of compassion hurt me.   

No.  What point would that make? If someone doesn't have it in them to know what to do, right or wrong...why waste your time trying to make someone into someone they are not.  Accept it and move on.

The truth of the matter is, a person's true colors are often shown in moments of extreme highs an extreme lows more quickly than if you un-peel the layers bit by bit over time.  You can't change someone, but you can change yourself.

I grabbed my journal today and processed those feelings and heck decided to write about them on the blog in the quest of being more open and honest with not just myself, but with everyone around me.  

I'm not mad, I'm in fact pretty proud of myself.  I feel more empowered than I have in awhile even at the eve of something tragic,  there's wisdom to be found. And now I can move forward...I'm still sad, still broken-hearted, still grieving;  but,  I'm also happy I didn't waste precious time with someone who didn't have the type of heart I desired in a partner.

Don't settle for less...I know I won't. 

Jodi Ohl


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Beverley Baird said...

First - I'm so sorry for your loss. Two years after losing our 21 yr old Fluffy, I still cannot think of getting another cat.
Your journal pages reminded me of what Carrie Fisher said -"Take your broken heart, make it into art.” You have done this magnificently.
You will find the right person I am sure.

Jodi said...

Thank you Beverly, that means alot. Xoxo

Tia Wahl said...

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your beloved fur baby. I have 7 doggies and they are like my children. Sending you so much love

CathyB said...

Jodi so sorry for the loss of your fur baby. We get so attached to them that it just hurts like crazy! I have lost many in my day and each and everyone of them was special in their own way. I feel your pain.

Now about that insensitive man. SO glad you realized what he was like before you got involved too much. Someday your prince will come and you will know it!

You know, when things happen in my life that really upset me I tend to write them down and somehow it clears my head to proceed with out having to dwell on it all the time. So glad you chose to journal your experience and to create such a fabulous piece of art. I bet you feel a tad better huh.

Please know you have a big cyper family that cares about you. Thank you for sharing this with us all. Believe me, we can relate. Hugs! :0)

Zoe Nelson said...

Jodi, I'm so sorry you lost your pup. They do become family members and when they leave us it creates a big hole in our lives. And about that man... it's good to know what you want in a relationship but even better to know what you don't want. Good for you for standing up! Prince Charming is out there waiting for you!

Sue said...

Wow Jodi -- I'm so sorry for sad events in your life these past few days. Animals have a way of wiggling into our lives to the point that we can't imagine life w/o that unconditional love and willingness to listen to every detail of our day w/ a wagging tail! (BTW you'll never get THAT from a man! LOL LOL).

And I'm sorry you saw the worst of male behavior during a very low point of your life. You are so so right to slam on the brakes and realize HE is not The One for you. That guy is out there (like everyone tells you) ... and you'll know it instantly! Hang in there.

oh and BTW love your art. LOL LOL LOL (took your class in Paducah last summer and loved it!)

Gustavo Woltmann said...

I'm sorry for the loss of your fur baby. I can feel your sadness.

- Gustavo Woltmann