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Sunday, June 13, 2010

Still Waiting......

Art Journal Girl In Progress...

The last couple of weeks have been kinda quiet art wise.   I think I'm going through an identity crisis of sorts. I've been really bogged down with my day job, working longer hours than normal, seemingly trying to catch up and swimming against the current at every turn.   I don't recall a time ever like this.   All of the draining on my energy has limited my desire to really create with the same enthusiasm I have been.  But then again....maybe that's exactly what I should be doing to refuel my creative juices?  Despite the long hours and mental taxing, I did do a show last week in Granville, NC.

Art Journal Girl In Progress...
Here's the thing about art win some, you loose some.  Not that I'm an expert by any means, having only participated in 3 other shows before this one, but I am finding out quickly that they are unpredictable.  I don't think I could ever do them every week or even count on them for a good portion of my income.  They are good marketing opportunities and so I do want to continue doing them but I am going limit which shows I do because it's such a big production for me to do the set up or rather gather everyone together to help me do the set up, not to mention the travel expenses and make 30 dollars, well, I lost money obviously on that one so it is what it is!    I love meeting new people that I see at the shows and talking about my work, but I wish more people that 'love' my work would pick a piece up and buy!  It's all good, the best part of the show last week was driving home with my boys and one of the kids friend, getting our dance on in the car with the radio's Open House!

bravesideview (1204 x 903)

I do know, that good things come to those who wait....but wait and strive for those good things in the meantime.  Being 'Brave' means trying things you wouldn't have normally. Stepping outside of your comfort zone and taking a risk.   I'm trying to do that but this week I've been in a holding pattern of sorts. Going back to my busyness at work probably has a lot to do with it.  Even when I'm not working, I'm worrying about it.  I want to do my best but my heart isn't always in it. My heart is in my Art but my responsibilities are with my day job. It's quite a conflict, isn't it?   

Art Journal Girl In Progress...

Then I go home and I see all that needs to be done here and I feel like a tidal wave washes over me. Oh my goodness, there is so much to do.  I'm only one person and between it all it feels at times like I could be suffocating if I didn't take time to breathe.  It would be nice if I had someone to share the burden with along with the joys, but there's not...but my youngest son reminds me that there is...there is him.. and he is here for me.  As he says those words, a wash of sweet relief  refills my heart and eases my  mind. No, I'm not alone..but I still feel overwhelmed. Frankly, there's not enough time in my life to share it with anyone anyway but that doesn't mean I want that to be that way always.  I'm still waiting for the answers to make life easier, fuller, more satisfying, less overwhelming, and more prosperous in more ways then one.

Art Journal Girl In Progress...
"Still Waiting" journal pages in progress...still waiting for the words to come to me to express how I feel. :)

In the meantime, I sit and reflect, taking time out to breathe a bit in my art journal I created awhile ago but haven't filled with much  yet.   Am I on the right path?  Should I be striving for this professionally or should I just stay where I am at and write it all off as a stage I've been going through?  It hardly seems like a stage but maybe I'm running in the wrong direction? 

dreambottomview (1204 x 831)

I'm rambling now.  It is a dream for me to do this.   But it seems like an empty dream when one is overwhelmed with the rest of the world.    I'm trying not to use my less then successful venture last week and my tumble weed strewn Etsy shop or my quiet and non existent love life as an indicator of my worth. It's a challenge though at times!

battle2 (903 x 1204)
"Battle 2"
Sigh...when I feel stale or in a cross roads, I like to re energize by trying something new.  For me that was taking an online class with Jared Knight working in abstracts.  Jared is a fun teacher and one that encourages you to be free while at the same time be in control of your freedom. Create and destroy is one of mottos.

Create and Destroy.....we go through life doing that not just in our art but in our own worlds.  We build up and we move on.  We fill our world piece by piece and then we wash those pieces away and start fresh once again.   Our lives would be quiet and sad with only one layer to them.  So it goes for art....covering up a part that you love is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of bravery as you work towards more depth to your painting, more depth to your soul. It's still a part of you...but that layer is not the main attraction anymore.  Thank you Jared for helping me through a mini identity crisis I've been going through this week.  It's time to create something new and destroy a part that is unneccesary anymore.  :)


Jeanne Rhea said...

I know it isn't much consolation, but we have all been through a lot of those feelings if over 35 and having kids and being single. Just hard to even think about a lot except trying to plod along and fit in everything we can. Your post reminded me of so many times I have wondered where I should be headed---but everything seems to work out.
Hugs for you,

Liz-AnnasOnTheLake said...

I can relate to the pull between the responsibility of the job and the strong desire to just do art. Some days it is so hard to get out the door! You have the special challenges of being a single mom, too, and I know how alone that can feel sometimes...and overwhelming. I hope you find your groove.

Felicia Kramer said...

My heart goes out to you because I have been - and will be again - where you are. I feel like I spent the first part of this year in a un-creative muddle that I am just now coming out of. The creative juices are flowing again, thank heaven!

It will too for you - just be kind to yourself and remember, "this too shall pass."

Penny A said...

You are a marvel! In spite of everything that would seem to oppose your end goal, you continue to persevere, grow and flourish. I can fully understand that being torn between where you are and where you want to be only adds to the inherent stressors in your daily life; but yours is a powerful example of 'active dreaming' for your boys. It's one thing to say "Hard work pays off" and just muddle along or get by; but you are living that adage -- with an eye toward your 'pre-existing conditions' (aka: responsibilities).

"Wisdom is experience remembered" (anon.) -- you are becoming very wise, indeed; and that will be your 'leg up' when the time comes to make this well-earned, long dreamt of, big step. (((hugs!)))

Jennifer Williams "Blueskysunburn" said...

I always forget you have a day job too! You're doing a tremendous abount of work. Maybe this is just a sign you need to step back and allow your creative juices renew.

I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one with the same problem at the craft shows. I made $28 at the one I did yesterday. It seriously gives you a complex!